Remind Me, Who I Am

I get asked sometimes if I brought a lot of stuff with me from America.

Kinda?

I did bring 3 large suitcases, 1 75L backpacking bag and 1 tote. All full of stuff. However, all of it are thing I use frequently! Except for a few special occasion things (like my batman onesie) -That’s a topic for another post

One of the most important items I brought with me is a pair of canvas with notes glued to them.

F L A S H B A C K

It was the summer of ’10. I was working at Frontier Ranch in Scott’s Valley, CA. It’s a great summer camp for kids. Tons of fun! As a counselor there, I was able to play around with children, do sketch comedy, and meet other people from different states and countries. It was a total blast.

At one point during the day, there was ‘mail time’. It was the time when the kids would receive the care packages that their parents gave them so they didn’t miss home as much. For the counselors, it was a time when notes were handed out from other counselors or employees.

Often, these notes were a joke from friends, making fun of something a kid did the day before, or laughing at someone’s camp name.
Side note: My name was Scorching Raven, because I’ve always had a cool nic name in my life 😉 *except for the time as a freshman in high school when I tried to get “the surprise” as my nic name. It was my AIM username, my email address, and I’m sure I wrote it down on my Facebook originally. It never caught on.

Sometimes, those notes would be more meaningful. They would be little thank you’s for helping out here. Or perhaps a “you’re a great guy” thanks for letting me vent. Being a counselor is tons of fun, but it gets exhausting at times, and you rely on people to help you get through the week.

These notes were the most sincere ones, as people needed genuine time with someone aside from the chaos of summer camp with kids.

I kept plenty of those notes.

A year later, I worked nearby at a Kampground of America in Watsonville, CA. During that summer doing similar duties with a closer knit group, we would take time at the end of the summer to write more intentional notes to one another.

I kept those notes too.

F L A S H F O R W A R D 

I don’t like to keep trinkets or little souvenirs too often. Sure, I’ll keep the more meaningful ones, but if I come across something I own and I’m not (a) using it within a year or (b) can’t remember who gave it to me, it’s getting donated (Please stop trashing good things, when you can donate it)

However, one day after college, I was going through a lot of my school papers, and tossing them out. I found a bunch of these notes piled up. I started reading them. They read…

  • I’m thankful of Michael’s excellent positive outlook
  • I’ve never met someone so willing to listen and open to comfort as you…
  • Your love and acceptance for people is awesome…
  • We just wanted to let you know how handsome we think you are…
    (I promise I didn’t make this one up. PEOPLE ACTUALLY WROTE THIS)
  • Thanks for putting up with my high maintenance all summer…
  • …I just love being around you!

Post university life wasn’t great for me. I felt like I was poorly adjusting to my expectations of life, the reality of adulthood, and a horrible job. I was not happy. My unhappiness overflowed into my friendships, romances, and employment.

Then I found these notes. 

Reading the notes reminded me of how much I’d changed. People enjoyed being around me, people opened up to me, and I was known for being loving. I was reading these notes and I felt the urge to return to myself. I wasn’t sure how to but I needed to get back to being the person that people recognized me as.

I decided to glue those notes to a canvas and put those canvases on my wall. They were placed in a location where I would be forced to see that every day.

I was reminding myself of who I was.

P R E S E N T

I still have those canvases on my wall here in Auckland. I’ve added a few notes over time that are reminders of who I am and the positive ways people see me. They are just as helpful in my life now as they were in the past.

There are times when I don’t act like myself. When I act out irrationally, when I act with envy, or when I act out of hurt.
Even when I don’t act like myself, these notes remind me of who I am.

There are times when I admit to people, I’m an egotistical prick, who taunts others from my high horse, and sets out to push others down as the only way to be lifted up. Ouch.
Even when I don’t believe what they say, these notes remind me of who I am.

There are times when people don’t recognize who I am and in their moments of acting outside of who they are will call me something like worthless, stupid (I was called that a lot as a child), or useless, either in their words or in their actions.
Even when I’m told something different, these notes remind me of who I am.

There’s a verse in the Bible that says, “Put these words in your heart and in your soul. Bind them as a sign on your hand. Place them in front of your eyes.”

I came across this verse after I posted these canvas notes on my wall. To be honest, it makes sense why it would say to do this. With these reminders, I stay closer to who I am everyday. I am a better person in my friendships, romances, and employment. I am confident in myself because I’m reminded daily of who I am.

I will have days when my foundation is shaken. A person may act unlike themself and label me something I am not. I will have days when I don’t believe in myself.
Nevertheless, these notes will remind me of who I am.

Third Impressions of New Zealand

Woo!!! Third Impressions of New Zealand!!!!
I may never get tired of my “impressions” posts. So I’ll keep on cranking them out! In case you missed it here are Part 1 and Part 2.

This is going to be a fun one because I’m not going to be talking about what is different. Instead, I’l talking about what is the SAME.

Obviously, I’m living in a different country, so I expected things to be different for me here. However, There are quite a few things that are pretty much the same as my home in the States. Here is a list of a few of them.

Breweries 
Just like my home in Denver, there are plenty of small craft brews in and around New Zealand. I’m not much of a beer drinker, it all taste bad to me (hence why I’m a cocktail guy), but there are so many different places that are aspiring to make their small time beer a house hold name! If you are a hipster that likes a small name brewski, New Zealand may already be on your list of favorite beers.

Bike lanes!
I ride my bike a lot. So it’s super nice to have plenty of bike lanes for me to safely ride the road. It’s also very scary every time a bus sneaks up next to me, as I’m too into my new favorite podcasts The Mouthfull and Melanted Stamps. I know the bus isn’t actually sneaking up next to me, but somehow I am blissfully unaware anytime the behemoth of a vehicle is driving next to me. I can hear the engine of a car or truck, but a bus is like the ninja of the car world.

Ridiculous people running for office…
Let’s start with 2016 President Candidate from North Carolina, Deez Nuts. Seriously, look him up he tallied 9% of the vote if I remember correctly. In California, a special election was held in 2003 for governor. In the running was TV star Gary Coleman, movie star Arnold Schwarzenegger, and a porn star. Gary Coleman said of himself as a candidate, “I’m probably the least qualified for the job.”
Currently, it’s election season here in Auckland. Let me tell you, they have some equally hilarious candidates! One that comes to mind is comedian Tom Sainsbury. He has different characters that he uses, one of which is Fiona. Fiona is running for mayor.

Burgers
I used to think that no one does burgers like America. Then I came to New Zealand. I’ll admit, no one makes a burger quite like In-n-out in California or 5280 in Colorado, but There are some great options here. I’ve found some Korean burger fusion thats delicious! I frequent a my local burger shop, Ice & Fire, which is an Indian burger cuisine. And a vegan burger place that is equally delicious! Burgers are everywhere, and I’m not mad about it.
(I should not have talked about burgers, cuz now i’m going to have to buy a burger)

If there is one superficial thing I could ask for from the States to be here, I think one thing that I wish was here that isn’t is…tape delay. I would prefer to watch my American sports games in primetime so I don’t have to wake up at 5am to watch my favorite teams.

The People
People are the same everywhere you go. I travel a lot, and I always see hard working people. I find communities thriving. I see people trying to become famous. I see men vying for love of another. The people of New Zealand are the same as those back at home. They are doing their best to prosper their family, friends, and find happiness!

The Life I’ve Always Wanted

Just a few months ago, I was chatting with my homeboi Cameron about a fantasy scenario I have sometimes.

No, not that type of fantasy!

This one, “If someone paid for all your expenses for one year. What would you do with your time?”

If I remember correctly, he wanted to learn a way to make a sustainable business, so when he returned to work a year later, he would have a second income that would allow him to work less and spend more time with his family.

Very clever.

Mine was definitely more fantasy driven: It starts with moving to a small town. At the time, I said Grand Lake, Colorado. If I had to choose a favorite spot in Colorado, it would have to be Grand Lake. Not only do I have some very fond memories here, I really enjoy the scenery. It’s too beautiful. There is a quaint town with 2 for 1 margaritas during happy hour at one restaurant and ice cream shop that my lactose intolerant body cannot resist!

Next, I’d get a job! I know, you’re asking, ” Wasn’t the point of this fantasy to not work?”  Yes. In a way. I would want a job in cozy coffee shop. I’ve always wanted to own a coffee shop. When I was young, I dreamed of calling it Ms. Abbey. So clearly influenced by The Beatles album. I love coffee and the ambiance shops provide. Many good things happen within the four walls of a café. In my opinion, they don’t receive the recognition they deserve in the States.

Working at a coffee shop would also be my community fix. A place where I can see regulars, have some lengthy chats about how things are going on the ranch, discuss local politics, and probably ward off offers from the older customers attempting to set me up with their daughters or granddaughters.

Yep, even in my crazy fantasy, I’m single.

I’d run a lot in this fantasy life. When I was younger, I remember watching my brother run a lot. He was preparing for a marathon when he was 17 or 18. I was at a very impressionable age, and wanted to be just like him. Since then, my fantasy has always included days with a nice run.

I would fill the rest of my days with writing. I always dreamed that in the slow times in my coffee shop, I would sit and write something. A book maybe, or a memoir. In my dreams, I was a bit older and had traveled the world, shot beautiful pictures which were hung on the wall of the café, and I would sit and write stories I lived or heard while I was abroad.

It’s a simple fantasy; I like it.

_______________

“Do you think I could quit my job and work a bunch of little jobs?” I asked my sister. “I think I’d have plenty less money to play with, but I’d be happier overall!”

I’ve asked my sister this question plenty of times throughout my life. In fact, I’ve tossed a lot of ideas her way. I have so many different ideas that pop through my head. Many of them I filter, while the rest my sister helps filter between “ridiculous” and “so ridiculous, it just might work.”

Moving to New Zealand was ridiculous enough to work.

This idea of working multiple jobs to make a living is something I’ve tossed around for a while. A while ago, I started working multiple side jobs to make extra side money so I can pay the ever growing student loan mountain. (APU, you’re great, but I debate if you’re worth the cost!) Therefore, I was already used to wearing different hats.

So many people take the path of working multiple jobs all the while hoping they can one day land a big one to cover all of their expenses. The 9-5 life is what many people work toward, but honestly, I’m exhausted by it.

I’m so tired of driving an hour or more to work and back everyday.
I’m so tired of working a job that brings no enjoyment or value to my life.
I’m so tired of being tired at the end of the day and not having the energy to live!

I’ve been blessed with good jobs for the past few years and sure the money is good, but how long will I make myself live to work and just get more money and more tired? The constant struggle between what I do and what I want to do has been going on since I’ve joined the work force.

I remember having a conversation with my father about this. I love the provision my father has given my siblings and me during our adolescence. However, even at a young age, I could see the toll it took on him. He was tired, all the time. Fortunately, as he got older, he was offer jobs that required to drive less, or work less. But it took many years to get there.

During the phone call with my dad, he told me that during his life he learned that a person should choose something they enjoy over the money. He felt like money chasing was helpful in providing, but he missed out on enjoying some parts of life.

My dad worked a minimum of 40 hours a week, that’s 2080 hours a year. Factor in the 2 hours of drive time one way, my dad spent a minimum of 130 days of the year with work. Work that he wasn’t enjoying.

130 days of the year, doing something you don’t enjoy. Let that sink in. 

“You know what I’ve learned, son? If you choose to work something you enjoy, you’ll be happier at work, which will help you be happier overall. I would choose happiness over money.” My dad said simply.

“DON’T TELL HIM THAT!!!” Exclaimed my mother, who we then learned was eavesdropping.

Different strokes for different folks. Despite the saying, money does bring a form of happiness to a lot of people. It brings the security they feel they need. It brings the stuff to fill their house. It allows the to dress the way they want. Money is the fantasy that many people have, and they chase it like I chase my dreams. Power to them! I hope they get it and I hope it brings the type of happiness they’re looking for.

It just doesn’t bring the happiness I’m searching for.

_______________

Originally, I entered the work force as a manager of a retail store in Southern California. Let me tell you, that was awful. Like seriously, terrible. I’m a firm believer that everyone should spend 1 year working in customer facing retail positions.

Retail put so much stress on me! Thieves taking merchandise (and punching me in the face – a story for another time perhaps), constantly unruly middle aged women wanting to report me for not giving them a deeper discount, and a boss that would alter my hours without telling me so my paycheck was less than I earned. (Not you Laurie, you’re a gem and I love you, and still think about you and tell stories about you!)

It was there that I felt a strong drain of my life.
Every. Single. Day.

I’ve never felt more depressed in my entire life. I literally felt my soul draining out of me with every shift I had. I knew there had to be something else I could do that would suck the life out of me.

Eventually, I made my way to Colorado. It was there I made a new home for myself and discovered that work doesn’t have to be as bad. I worked as a project coordinator and project manager for years. It was quite okay. It wasn’t bringing me happiness, but it wasn’t draining me.

I learned that I could be comfortable with what this job provided me. A good paycheck, and low stress. I’m no opposed to a comfortable lifestyle, but I have to admit, I wasn’t happy with this job.

It was at this job that I was chatting about our “no work for a year fantasy” with Cameron. Sometimes, I feel like you have to sit down and dream. Fantasize about what you would do for a year if you didn’t have a job or expenses. Once you conjure the fantasy, work on making your life as close as you can to that dream.

That day, I decided to. It’s led me to where I am today. I’m so thrilled about where I am today.

_______________

My life isn’t the exact fantasy I created back then. But its closer than I’ve ever been.

I’m not waking up early to work in a coffee shop. But I’m staying up til 2am to teach English to children in China, which is tons of fun!
I run or ride my bike nearly everyday, just for the health of it!
I am writing. As you can see from this post, I’m writing quite a bit. (and that’s just the writing you see. 😉 Wait till my other stuff comes out!)
I’m pursuing ventures and activities that excite me! Ones that have me looking forward to “Mondays.”

Sure, I’m making less money. Like, a lot less money. I think my mom’s heart would drop to know I’ll likely make around $50,000 USD less than last year job. Don’t worry, I’m doing fine! This isn’t a round about way to ask for money. I like to think the money I’ve “lost” is just an investment into me. And let me tell you, the return on investment so far is high!

I see the return in the mirror when I smile.

I find myself in a very happy spot. Doing the things I want to do. Hiking, learning Spanish, writing stories, performing improv comedy, eating dinner with my flatmates, writing a book, biking in the rain, running in day, exploring when I can.

I’m happy. And this is a feeling I could get used to.
This is a fantasy, I get to call my life.

Fulfilling the Dream

I left Honolulu, Hawaii both relaxed and anxious at the same time. Honestly, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed Honolulu. It was the beautiful island life all tourist sites advertise.

Despite Hawaii’s beauty, looming inside my brain was the knowledge that Tuesday, May 15th at 2:25pm, I would be boarding a plan to move to New Zealand. I was finally doing it. I was going to New Zealand! I was moving out of the country!

I was about to fulfill quite possibly the biggest dream…of my childhood

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First Impressions of New Zealand

I have lived in New Zealand for one month. In no particular order, these are my first impressions thus far…

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A Child’s Dream

What did you dream about when you were a child? Was it about getting a pony? Becoming an astronaut? Or perhaps to build the largest lego castle ever!?

I had those dreams growing up too. Those, and a few more most children don’t have.

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